Mommy Idol

Are you a “real” mum?

An innocuous share by a friend on Facebook this morning left me feeling really uncomfortable. It was a definition of a “real mom”. (@ https://www.facebook.com/powerofpositivity/photos/)

There is a lot that I love in this quote … it speaks to the warrior mum in all of us. It speaks to that strong, kick-ass, self-sacrificing, pushes through all the limits and gets it all done no matter what mum. The ultimate mamma bear who, no matter how tired, emotional, worried, impatient or overwhelmed she feels, will do and give anything for her cubs.

And hell yes … we are all of that ... and more.

But … if this is the definition of a “real mum”, (which we equate with being the “good mum”), what does it mean about who we are as a mother, when we are so freaking tired we cannot keep going. What does it mean about who we are as mothers when we are so overwhelmed that we have to stop? When we don’t feel any hope at all, or don’t behave as a wonderful, amazing pillar of strength amongst the chaos? In those moments are we not good enough? Are we not “real” mums?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been there … I like to think of myself as a real mum - and by this I dare to say a “good” mum, even when I’ve had days where I was so wrecked emotionally, physically and mentally that I couldn’t be a rock … all I could do was sob into my pillow and plonk the kids in front of the TV … in that moment I was no less of a real mum.

I like to claim good mother status, in spite of the times over the last 11 years of being a mother, where I was so pushed to every edge imaginable, that I screamed and even swore at my kids - and slammed a few doors too. I’m not proud of that behaviour and at the time I was devastated by it.

I like to claim real mother status, in spite of the day where, after getting no sleep for 3 days, I called my neighbour from my driveway, crying, and asked her to come and take my 2 year old because I just couldn’t take her screaming any more and I was scared to be around her on my own. I felt so very bad that day, because the messages I was fed as a young mother was that a good mum, a real mum, stays patient, can check her emotions and be that rock, keeps on going despite her fatigue … she doesn’t fall apart.

Did I fail the real mum test? On the face of quotes like this, by default, yes.

As a (slightly) older, wiser woman now … Hell no.

Back in the 1950s, the “real mum” equivalent was that picture we laugh (and cringe) at, as it circulates on Facebook memes … beautiful, elegant, composed, serving a scrumptious dinner, perfect hair, makeup on, cute apron. Did somebody say valium? (images @ www.indulgy.com)

Today we have graduated to idolising the grit, determination, and crazy deep strength within us as mothers, to do whatever it takes to look after our family, and we have glorified the self sacrifices we make along the way.

Just as there is nothing wrong with looking good 50s style, baking and preparing delicious meals for your family, this strength and sacrifice is a beautiful, awesome thing. I certainly don’t mean to discredit the goodness in this quote … it is loaded with deep truths, but let’s please try to go deeper again. Just as those cringe-worthy images of the 1950s housewives, left women across the planet feeling “less than” when they didn’t have dinner on the table and their hair and makeup done when hubby got home from work … let’s stop this current generation from feeling “less than” when they simply cannot be the hopeful, wonderful, patient, rock.

It is these subtle, seemingly innocuous, calls to greatness which resonate within us and which we really want to see in ourselves, which insidiously drive doubt, fear and guilt into a mother on those days where things just are too tough to pull off the act.

It takes so much more than blinding self sacrifice repackaged as strength, to be a real mum and it is time that we named that.

It takes a depth of honesty and vulnerability in owning who we are as mothers. It takes a level of authenticity and commitment to all of who we are as mothers, as women. So let’s kick this pillar of strength poster child to the kerb … hopefully we will soon be laughing and / or cringing at this false idol as we now do with that 1950s mamma.

Yes, let’s own that awesome “real mum” inside all of us who is a patient, hopeful, rock that keeps on keeping on … because we truly are. But let’s also name that a “real mum” can … and needs, to also fall apart, lose her shit, quit and be a mess sometimes.

Let’s make space for something new … a mother who is as fiercely committed to herself and her own wellbeing as she is to her babies. A mother who is celebrated for her vulnerability as much as she is for her strength.

What would it mean for us to own all of this? All of who we are?

It would mean that we could rest more easily in our own body, mind and heart. It means that we wouldn’t be wracked with guilt on those rare occasions where we choose our needs over our child. It means that we wouldn’t punish ourselves for not living up to this ideal of strength and perfection and know that when we fall apart, don’t make the best choices and can’t be this idolised pillar of strength, that we are still “okay”, that we are still a good mum, that we can get back up and with the support and love of those around us, start over again the next day.

And most importantly, it would mean that our sons and daughters would have a role model to follow … a role model who honours herself as a real woman, with a spectrum of emotions, needs and desires, with limits and consequences, who can love and celebrate herself when she hits the mark, but can also love herself when it (and she) all falls apart.

That is a really amazing mum.

Mummy Idol - Are you a real mum?