Fat Shaming, Filter Fanatical and Forty-Something ...

Stop … we must stop. 

A few weeks ago my vibrant, confident and amazing ten year old daughter, came home disturbed that one of her friends was being teased, behind her back, for being fatter than the other girls. She was confused and upset that girls would do that to each other and expressed concern that maybe she should change her eating to ensure she didn’t become the next target. 

And at that moment, my heart broke.

I, of course, spoke to my little girl of all the usual things … that all shapes are beautiful. That fat shaming is a product of an ill-society which promotes unattainable notions. That in times past, curves were revered as sensual, womanly and a sign of health, fertility and worth. That we are all unique. That the only important thing is our health, and that ideal weight is different for every body. That only girls who are insecure with their own body would tease another in this way.  

I put my baby to bed, my heart still sore that she had passed into this new territory, her innocence stolen and her worldview altered. 

Then I hopped on Facebook, (to numb my pain - as you do) … and I felt sick to my stomach. How had I not previously noticed the proliferation of fat-shaming,  filter fanatic, forty-something women who were filling my news feed with professional or personal takes on the ideal form and the ideal look? Some as subtle as sledgehammers (they’re easier to take), and some so insidious that my stomach turned. 

As the days passed, my heartbreak turned into rage at how a generation of mothers, aunts and significant women in teen and pre-teen girls' lives were modelling - implicitly and explicitly - the exact opposite of what we claim to stand for. We preach …

• “be yourself”
• “beauty is on the inside”
• “you’re beautiful just as you are”
• “you don’t have to change for anyone”
• “what you see in magazines isn’t real and you shouldn’t strive for that!”

And then we post selfies with app generated filters to give us flawless skin, invite our clients to wear a bun in their hair to give the illusion of height, and like pages which encourage us to create the perfect bikini body … a side of ripped abs with your 5 kids under 5 playing on the beach. Really?

And “we”, are not teenagers diving unaware into the insane world of beauty standards. “We” are thirty and forty-something year old women who preach the evils of photoshop and have girls’ nights out to support the brilliance that was the documentary "Embrace". 

Excuse the language, but … what the fuck?

How have our girls got any chance? And how have our boys got any chance of meeting our girls with the love of their natural beauty which we insist they must have? 

And let’s not forget that,  for many of us, we are hitting middle age and the natural physical changes that may accompany it, at the same time our girls are hitting adolescence, one of their most vulnerable developmental stages. So, as they are embracing their womanhood, we are shaming ours, with conniptions over grey hairs, lines appearing on our face, weight fluctuations and changing body shapes.

Of recent times I began to slip into this space myself. While I have never used filters or worried about lines or grey hairs (I’m actually excited about claiming my wise older self), I have fallen into the trap of not only noticing my changing body shape (I’m 39.5 today … half birthdays are a big deal in our house:-), but joining with other women near and dear to me in talking about it, hating it and borderline obsessing over it. Until now. 

And yes, I can hear the protestations … oh but the filters, the fashion, the extra height on those heels, are just a bit of fun. 

Yes, they may be … but at what expense?

We must take radical responsibility for ourselves and our girls, and at each turn, whether in our personal or professional life, ask if what we are saying, thinking or posting, is inviting a woman or girl, to be anything other than who she is? Not taller, but her own perfect height. Not thinner or fatter, but just healthy.  And if you can’t stop the thoughts, the words, the posts (it isn’t always as easy as it sounds) … seek support, either from a professional or from a friend. 

How about agreeing with our girlfriends to divert any conversations where we begin to body shame ourselves or others, into a supportive environment to stop and re-orient to the life affirming, body positive beliefs we are so desperate to instil in our children?

Everybody wants the world to change - to be a better place for our kids … but who is willing to change themselves?  And no, it isn’t easy, but how many worthwhile endeavours really are? And if we won’t commit to it for our girls (and boys) what will make us commit?

(with much love and gratitude to fabulous Abby, GIrls' Circle Participant, age 9, for her beautiful art-work)